Friday, January 29, 2010

A Small, But Measurable Loss; Why Little People Make a Big Imact

So yesterday was a very sad day. JD Salinger, one of the best writers of the century, died. And the day before, the diminutive actress Zelda Rubenstein (Poltergeist, Under the Rainbow and any other movies that required a little Jewish grandmother-type figure)passed on as well.

I’m not one to mourn famous people, especially when they were in their 90s, like Salinger. They lived a full life and, quite honestly, they haven’t contributed much to our society in recent years. So having them gone today is pretty much like having them here yesterday. And Salinger was a recluse. His death? Sad, but inevitable. Let’s all move on.

The Rubenstein thing is more disturbing. No, not because she was only 76. And not because she’s gonna shift around in her coffin like a small bag in the overhead compartment of a 747 jet. And not because she’d been starring in landmark roles recently.

It’s sad, because, I just fucking love midgets.

Now I don’t know if she was technically a midget (the tallest midget can be is 4”9’ but it doesn’t make everyone that height or less a midget. I don’t think. I don’t even know what a Milk Dud is, so why even listen to me), But it’s sad when a little person dies. It makes me sad. Why the obsession with midgets?

Well, it’s like this. Midgets, pound for pound, are the purest form of entertainment.

And you know I’m right about that.

But, they must be interspersed with normal sized folk. Otherwise, it’s just a shitshow. My brother, knowing my mini-person obsession, once bought me an all-midget Western “The Terror of Tinytown.” (I kid you not. They rode Shetland Ponies. And it’s decades old, filmed in black-and-white in 1938). I resisted viewing it for years. I didn’t want to hate it.

I hated it. I couldn’t even finish it, and it was about an hour-and-fifteen minutes long. (Is that technically classified as a “short film”) It was in more ways than one, a letdown.

And there have been documentaries about little people and there is the annual convention of little people that always seems to make its way to some news show every year, but that’s not fun. Midgets dancing with midgets ruins the visual affect. The look like swollen (or dried out) regular people and they move a little funny. Show me a 7-foot Shaq doing the Electric Slide next to a 51-inch wee person. Now THAT’s funny.

How much do I love midgets? One year, in this dead pool I’m in with about 15 other people, I drafted 75 little people of some notoriety. (Oh yes, there are plenty of midget entertainers, you betcha. And, yes, that was a casual reference to a dead pool. So what? That’s for another blog. And no I don’t have Harry Morgan. And yes Abe Vigoda is still alive. Oh and because you are wondering, yes, I did pick all the little people from the show “Little People, Big World” but spared the regular-sized siblings.)

There was actually a midget version of “The Bachelor” a few years ago. It was on Fox (shocker!) and the whole “series” was two episodes. “The Littlest Groom” aired in 2004 (I guess “Big Love” was already taken). I LOVED it. And I think any guy who religiously watches The Bachelor is, you guessed it, a douche

What I liked about it, in addition to how cute everyone was in their little dresses and tuxedo, was that after he met all the midget girls, they brought in regular women. Oh….the midget girls were not only pissed but they hurt themselves by craning their necks so high. All of them had that “Oh no you didn’t” look on their tiny childlike faces.
The only really disappointing thing, other than the show not being on every week for a four-month span, was that they NEVER asked the tall girls why they would date a midget. The honest, answer, of course is fame and notoriety, but it was like the 800 pound gorilla in the room. Okay, the 300 pound gorilla.

I think he picked a tall girl. Maybe he picked a midget. Who knows. My memory has always been short.

But the point is Zelda Rubenstein is gone. Zelda baby, you have left a big hole in the world of small entertainers. Your time on this earth was, predictably, too short.

5 comments:

Dave S. said...

This post dwarfs all your other posts.

Anonymous said...

wrong again Mr. Milk Dud
the phrase you are grasping for is not "but it was like the 800 pound gorilla in the room." You mean to say it was like the elephant in the room.
Now, 800 pound gorilla is a totally different reference. We need to stop confusing these metaphors... yours is a mixed metaphor and come to think of it funny in itself... sort of like saying he was worth his weight in salt :)

Anonymous said...

here's the definition of the metaphor:

one that is dominating or uncontrollable because of great size or power

Where as the "elephant in the room" refers to an obvious issue that no one wants to talk about - this is what you wanted to say I think. Just saying...

Anonymous said...

[url=http://seghan.ru/go.php?sid=35][img]http://i066.radikal.ru/1001/38/f22daff34e6d.jpg[/img][/url]












[url=http://coltahs.modellbau.in/sitemap.html]buy electronic cigarette europe [/url]
where can i order jezebel cigarettes cigarettes buy cheap duty free online where to order cigarettes online
[url=http://lhmxaha.welt.tl/sitemap.html]buy cigarettes [/url]
order cigarettes online canada order non fire safe cigarettes place to buy cigarettes
[url=http://lwmvvcb.knieen.de/]aqua filter cigarette holders buy online [/url]
what age you can buy cigarettes buying cigarettes age order calon cigarettes
[url=http://laubree.club-area.de/]where to buy cigarette [/url]
buy cartons of cigarettes online minors not penalized for buying cigarettes buy geronimo cigarettes
[url=http://lwmvvcb.knieen.de/sitemap.html]buy cigarettes wholesale uk [/url]
age to buy cigarettes in maryland where to buy cigarette rollers buy gitanes cigarettes
[url=http://gqeoqek.nederland.lc/sitemap.html]where to buy eve cigarette [/url]
11 buy cigarette marlboro buying cigaretts online where can i buy cheap cigarettes
[url=http://qrooddn.evaluiert.de/sitemap.html]buy tax free cigarette and tobacco online [/url]
safe site to buy cigarettes online buy cigarettes online new york newport cigarettes buy
[url=http://bmouavc.rostet.de/sitemap.html]laws about buying cigarettes online [/url]
where to buy cigarette tobacco buy marlboro cigarette is advertising children to buy cigaretts
[url=http://bdfaago.eo3.de/sitemap.html]buying flavored cigarettes from another country [/url]
buy electronic cigarette canada buying cigarettes in egypt order electric cigarette
[url=http://hkigmet.bei-der-arbeit.de/sitemap.html]buying cigarettes in europe [/url]
best buy cigarette 1132 where to buy cigarettes cheap in nyc? buy cigarettes for

Anonymous said...

Survival group against God?? LOL. Good luck with that. Truth is, no one knows the exact time this will happen except the man upstairs, however, I firmly believe that there are people placed here by God that post the warning signs and it's up to you to take heed.
[url=http://2012earth.net/future_and_past_of_the_earth.html
]harmonic convergence and 2012
[/url] - some truth about 2012