Saturday, November 22, 2008

Vampires and Other Things That Suck

Last night a friend texted me after seeing that new teen-scream vampire love story hottie-with-unruly hair phenominon Twilight. Of course she saw it with her mom and a niece and of course loved it. What a fun girls night out.....I would rather be buried alive in a coffin wired with John Tesh's greatest hits in a continual loop than spend two hours watching anything that makes a teenage girl squeal like livestock.

But it did make me realize there are a lot of types of movies that I don't like. Maybe I have a narrow view, but I like what I like and I'm very seldom pleasantly surprised by a film in my "categories to avoid."

In general, it's like this. I like movies that could actually happen. A film that makes you think, something that advances your brain just a little bit, not just another excuse to sit like a tree stump for two hours getting dumber by the minute by computer generated special effects or anything starting Keanu Reeves

So let's eliminate the types of movies I hate. Many of these blend in together, but here are my criteria for films that make me wanna cut myself:

* Vampire movies. The fact that many women find vampires slightly or very erotic confirms my belief that I will never in my lifetime understand women. (I think it's connected to this odd infatuation with that weird little half man/half pgymy Prince.)

* Horse movies. This refers to a film in which the horse is the main mode of transportation. These include overacted westerns starring men who speak like their chaps are riding up something fierce, 19th century English love stories in which a shy mousy girl falls for the humble messenger boy who is not from a proper family despite her aristocrat Daddy's stern warning, and some civil war crap about the ordinary man who becomes a leader of men only to die in the end for nothing more than selling a few Jujubes at the concession counter. Mmmm. Jujubes.

* Space movies. Okay, people. We may or may not have landed on the moon almost 40 years ago and yet we still hold our breath every time we launch something. We will not see space travel in our lifetimes (unless Sir Richard Branson takes us there), so let's not worry about aliens, strange life forces, and unrecognizable creatures that happen to perfectlyunderstand English. Even the aliens know that Chinese is the language of the space age.

* Movies that can't happen. Take "Ghost" for example. In addition to being possibly the most annoying combination of any three people on the planet, how can a living breathing person be moved by a "ghost" sliding a coin on the floor. And Demi Moore kissing Whoopi Goldberg? Ew. Could two women kissing be any more disappointing? I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

* Hobbits, trolls, children with magical powers. Now I'm all for imagination and reptilian creatures that, if you saw them in your bathtub you would squish them like a cockroach. But could we keep it to 90 minutes people. And do we need to make sweeping trilogies and endless series of these movies? I keep waiting for the next installment, something like Harry Potter and the Pubic Hair.

* Long, drawn out love stories whose endings are clear about 38.12 seconds into the movie. You may remember Cold Mountain, in which Nicole Kidman's love interest (no! not the senstitive blue collar boy from a family of modest means? I NEVER saw THAT coming) goes off to war and inevitably and predictably comes home to her. Towards the end of that movie, he limps up the mountain and Kidman is holding a rifle and has him in the cross-hairs. If only she shot him in the aorta I would have danced in the movie theater and personally lobbied Cold Mountain for Best Picture. Of course she didn't and they fall in love and make a baby. (The one good thing that resulted from her non-shooting of him was we got a nice Nicole Kidman boobie shot a few minutes later. Woo hoo!)

* Sci-fi. Three words: The Fifth Element. Bruce Willis and Gary Oldman should lose their Screen Actors Guild cards for being involved in that piece of futuristic turd.

* Romantic comedies. Just pick your favorite and keep watching it. They are all the same. Unless there is a chance to see Jennifer Aniston boobie, there is no reason to see yet another sack of crap. I mean do we really need to see Hugh Grant play that bumbling English chap again? Really?

So what ARE my favorite movies? The include Shawshank Redemption, Crash, Mystic River, Bull Durham, Good Will Hunting, The Usual Suspects and my favorite of all time: Field of Dreams. I know what you're saying.... "You hypocrite, Field of Dreams is one of those movies that could never happen. There are ghosts for chrissakes. What, ghosts can't make pottery but they can play baseball on a field in the middle of Iowa, you jerk?"

You're right, however I will say this: The movie did NOT have Patrick Swayze or Whoopi Goldberg. It DID have Burt Lancaster and James Earl Jones. I mean that's like trading Bob Eucker for Alex Rodriguez. That's gotta count for something. But the reason it's great is that the the movie comes down to a father's relationship with his son and what could have been, for both of them. And the last scene, where they play catch without saying a word.....great stuff.

So I'm sure you'll disagree and want to get your two cents in. I just ask if you do come to debate my movie tastes, that you don't take a horse to get here. That's just so cliche.


J. said...

I would rather be buried alive in a coffin wired with John Tesh's greatest hits in a continual loop...

Wow. Okay. I will not invite you to go see "Twilight," or probably anything else with me as I loved "The Fifth Element" (and sci-fi films, well, some of them), romances, and films featuring "hobbits, trolls, [and] children with magical powers."

All that said, though, "Field of Dreams" is one of MY all-time favorite movies (love, love, love that film -- and tear up every time I see it), AND I loved "The Usual Suspects" and "Bull Durham." Again two more of my top 100 fave movies of all time.

Not that we will ever see a movie together. ; )

Very funny post. And yes, you don't understand women. ; )

TommyMac71 said...

GOD doesn't understand women!!!

J. said...

Have a bit of a God complex do we now, Tom?

Getting back to the original subject, What is so hard to understand about women wanting a little neck action, while being respected and adored?

TommyMac71 said...

neck action, J?

"Hon, this won't hurt a bit, I just wanna break the skin a little bit...."

Uh huh....

Bee said...

I saw Twilight today and dragged my beesotted husband. I have to admit it wasn't very good.

The reason we find vampires erotic:

We like the bad boys, the tortured souls, and what is badder than a vampire that can kill you by sucking your blood but making it feel good?

Chris said...

You are a gigantic idiot.

Let me break this down for you, you fantastic dundermuffin:

1. Field of Dreams is a brilliant premise (thank you to the book) that can't happen.

2. Shawshank Redemption is my favorite movie of all time. However, I would implore you take a look at Andy Dufresne (played by the ever affable Tim Robbins) and tell me, at his 6'5" frame that he could fit throw that tunnel of shit? Couldn't happen.

3. You claim to like movies that make you think? Yet, you dismiss movies about space (um, space is real and unknown creating an imagination response - eh, um, thinking), horses (I'll show you a movie i had in college about a horse and this chick, she would...), and you like the Usual Suspects? Who the fuck did that movie dupe? You? Come on? If you met a dude named Keiser Soze you'd kick the shit out of him...

When Ebert kicks the bucket (a measely 20 pts) I don't think the Sun-Times is going to be calling you to fill in for them.

Sean and Jami said...

I'm sorry Tom, but you are a genre racist. Yes, I do not like westerns, but you cannot write of movies like "High Noon" because they're on horses. And you're really missing out on "Blazing Saddles." It's hilarious.
But I won't dwell on the genre racism.

Let's go to what you do like:
"Mystic River": OK, you can't watch movies that can't happen, but have no problem with directors who can't direct. Watch "Gone Baby Gone" and see how "Mystic River" should have been made.

"Crash": Don Cheadle making a racist joke. Now THAT can't happen. This is a movie that takes a complex issue like race and gives it a cursory glance. Plus, I am SO over the multiple-wandering-story-lines-that-loosely-connect movies. It's such a cop-out. If you have something to say, say it. Don't just allude to it.

Bull Durham: a romantic comedy.

Field of Dreams: I too love this movie. But face facts: it's a man's chick-flick.

Shawshank: OK, I have nothing bad to say about this movie. But can someone tally up the films that Morgan Freeman narrates?

The Usual Suspects & Good will Hunting: also love these movie but I'm sorry to say that they really should fall into the "can't happen" genre. While there's no monster tearing up Manhattan, they cannot be believed as something that can actually happen.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go watch Harry Potter, X-Men, About a Boy, Ghostbusters, Big, 2001: a Space Odyssey, Shakespeare In Love, Moonstruck, Gone With the Wind, Star Wars, The Apartment, Butch Cassidy & the Sundance Kid and Season four of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.


TommyMac71 said...

About a the book. Was a million times better

TommyMac71 said...

The point about blazing saddles is a great one. I did not specify that movies that spoof any one of these vomit-inducing genres is perfectly fine.

Andrew Scott Turner said...

The English Patient makes me cry every time. And Shakespeare In Love. And if I were British I would be Cate Blanchett's loyal subject any day.

J. said...

@Chris: You da man! Effing brilliant comments.

Pirate Jen said...

So, you want to watch movies that could really happen? They make those - they're called DOCUMENTARIES. Or, watch the news. Some improbable events, but no fantasies and very few horses. Certainly no saving of any unicorns. And lots of yawns. Personally, I'd rather watch something completely outside my reality and get to be/experience something that's not going to really happen to me, especially if it's improbable. The Quiet Man -great movie, it could happen, but not to me. THe Fifth Element - I'll watch it anytime it's on. Could it happen? Maybe someday, but certainly not to me! Going by your 'it could happen' theory, do you love A Christmas Story? Tommy, guess we'll stick to sports on TV when you're here.

Cee Bee said...

Sorry, Tommy Boy, but your friends are MUCH more entertaining with their comments this time!

Btw, I love vampire movies.

Susan said...

Because my life doesn't suck enough had to invoke John Tesh? Fucking John Tesh??????? Yes, I laughed out loud several times reading that post but fucking John TESH???? You are wrong for that.

Diesel said...

Why would you want to watch stuff that could really happen? That's like watching the news.

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