Saturday, May 23, 2009

What is a "Road Game" and other pressing fecal matters....

Death, taxes and potty humor. They are the constants I'm finding out.

So I write about how full of it I am (yes, 1.68 pounds) and I get alllll sorts of feedback. Most of it came offline because people are still shy about talking about fecal matter publicly. Seems there are a lot of questions. So, let's get to it. This weeks edition of Tom Talks Shit.

Q: What exactly is a 'road game?'

A road game, as you might imagine, is when you relieve yourself away from home. At work, at a friend's house, on an airplane, at a Chuck E. Cheese. Hell, it could be in the woods.

Q: Is it natural to feel uncomfortable partaking in, um, a 'road game?'

While it is quite uncommon to feel some level of angst, guilt, discomfort or even shhh! (constipation), the act itself is among the most natural of human functions.

I have a friend we'll call Bean since, well, that's what we call him. He refuses to, under almost any circumstance, visit a foreign bowl. I'm not talking about letting fly in China or Italy. I'm talking about ANY road game. I think it's a germ issue, though there is clearly overall discomfort.

This guy will work a double shift and hold it all day just so he can make a home deposit. I think he's crazy. If you have a family heriloom that needs to be protected, Bean's your guy. He can tuck away anything in safety for an extended period.

Now I get that. There are some horribly disgusting places that are disguised as restrooms. I would have to be nearly dead to use a gas station toilet, for example. Airports are a tough call, especially if you are about to board a flight. What's worse -- a couple germs on the cheeks or having stomach cramps while sitting next to Jobba The Hut on a flight to Vegas? "Uh, no prune juice for me, thank you very much!"

Q: How long is too long to hold it? How many times a day should one 'drop the kids at the pool?'

Ah, one of life's big mysteries....One of the ongoing debates that Bean and I enjoy.

I think it's easy. "Three meals, three times," right? I mean you don't want your PB&J running up against your pork loin now do you? Or your brown rice and your egg whites. Then you get in a whole Rodney King situation in your colon and NOBODY wants that.

But because I don't know everything... (I'll pause while you get over your shock)... I turned to a professional nutritionist, whom we'll call Alison Held because, well that's her name. Here was Alison's take:

"2 or 3 times daily is optimal. Only once is not ideal at all."

There you have it. Three Meals, Three Times. Maybe I do know it all.

Q: What is the deal with corn?

I know!!! What IS the deal with corn? I don't really know (okay, I did look it up but it's too scientific for a humor blog. The only funny thing about science, in history, was Beaker the Muppet. But I DO know this. We should make houses and space shuttles out of kernels of corn.

I also stumbled upon this discovery/science project. I have imbibed an adult beverage or two in my day. I happen to really like Guinness. (I know, it's like tar. Take my friend Jimmy O's advice. Drink two pints and then tell me it sucks. You can't.) So one night I'm drinking Guinness at a barbecue where there is obviously corn on the cob. Now, when I say I was drinking Guinness, I mean you could line I-95 with the amount of tar I consumed.

So, next day, after a home game, I take a glance before the flush (Come on, you KNOW you do it too) and it was almost black and infused with corn. I call it the Bumble Bee, but I can never get the stripes of corn in a perfect row. But, like a Rubik's Cube, I know have something to try to solve, to form the perfect Bumble Bee.

Oh, I'm sorry, am I talking out loud? Oops. Maybe I've more than answered your questions.

Until next time, this is Dr. Feces -- signing off. I "gotta go" anyway!


Jay Are said...

Wow! I am ... speechless.

TommyMac71 said...

A true first

Sean and Jami said...

I really had to read that while I was eating... ug.

Here's my question: do you line the seat with TP in a public situation?

And as for 3-times a day, it is it OK if all three times occur before noon?

Cee Bee said...

LOL! This is great! I love how you got Alison to contribute. (Did she know she was contributing?)
Poor Bean. I don't prefer a road game but come on... when you gotta go, you gotta go! It ain't healthy to hold that shit in... literally :-)

TommyMac71 said...

Sean (or Jami)

I am fearless. No neat seat or TP, gotta live life. And I ain't caught no ass flu yet...

Dave S. said...

Having traveled in the former Soviet Union during the early '90s there are very few road games I refuse to play on account of the facilities. (When the bacteria says Go...)

I also learned how to breathe without using my nose at all which came in very handy for changing diapers.

Understanding: Twitter said...

Makes me think of a recent Rescue Me, where Sean is having, let's say, #2 difficulty... until, in the midst of a burning building, he finds he needs to go and uses the nearest apartment's bathroom as the walls are coming down around him.

Would you call that "Burning Road Game" or maybe something better...

Great post!

Suzy said...

3 times a day? If you're talking about naps, I'm all in. Other than tht? Uhhhhhh, no.

TommyMac71 said...

U:T -- I haven't gotten that far in Rescue Me. Great show, but I'm catching by via DVD.... I think we'd have call that a Yule Log for it's smoking capabilities....

Suzy: at least 2 times a day, for godssakes, no??? It's POISON!!