Friday, January 22, 2010

Things I Just Don't Understand: The Chalky Diner Mint

I’m a pretty bright guy. Not the smartest but not, say, Keanu Reeves. But there are certain things I will never understand. Like quantum physics, how to assemble furniture from Ikea, and the widespread appeal of George Lopez.

But this morning I discovered another small “nugget of life” that I just can’t comprehend:

The chalky diner mint.

I mean, I understand minty treats. Sure who doesn’t like the sweet little something that makes you smile and freshens your breath. But most of us have never met Kristin Chenoweth.

But the chalky diner mint, to me, doesn’t get the job done. As usual, I have several doubts and questions regarding subject, including but not limited to:

1. Why so chalky? I mean, I thought Milk Duds had the powdery treat market cornered (well the LEGAL powdery treat market). And when you are ready to bite into the chalky diner mint, it basically disappears like pixie dust in your mouth. Completely unsatisfying and, if the urban myth is true, Mikey from the Life cereal commercials, died that way.

2. What did you eat that you need a chalky diner mint? I mean, in the diner, I always play it safe.

Burger. Short stack of pancakes. Chicken noodle soup. If you’re having the beef stroganoff, the veal picatta, or ANYTHING with hollandaise sauce, your breath is the least of your problems. Your colon is about to unleash a fury you have only read about.

3. If your breath does stink, just buy gum.


4. If you need to grab a solid food with a spoon, you should know better. Soup? Sure. Cereal? Of course? A bowl of mints? Uh….I’ll pass. If you need to fish for a food like that “grab the stuffed animal” game in the diner lobby, you should just skip it.

5. EVERYONE else has touched the mints. The reason of course they have the spoon in the mints, or they place the mints in something in which Bingo numbers should be housed, is that everyone paws the mints. Old people. Married people. Little children. Single guys. Divorced women. Babies wearing diapers. Busboys. EVERYONE has touched the mints. If you want to suck the fingers of everyone who’s eaten at the diner this week, you go right ahead. (And if you do, please do not tell us about it. You sick bastard.)

Of course, the good compromise is the individually wrapped chalky diner mint. But it’s still a chalky diner mint. And it comes with unnecessary waste. I beg, I implore the diners of the world, to go to Walgreens and buy the big bag of Starlight mints. Get some Andes Candies. Even those Halloween-sized boxes of Milk Duds (if you can find them).

But please stop the madness. The chalky diner mint’s usefulness has long passed. Sometimes it’s not the first impression but the final memory that leaves the most lasting feelings. If you serve the bowl of chalky diner mints, I might be forced to eat elsewhere. Until of course I obsess about something else I do not understand. That shouldn’t take long.





16 comments:

Sean and Jami said...

On the "everybody touches them" topic: let's not forget (as stated on Gilmore Girls)that it's been found that most people don't wash their hands after using the bathroom, so when they grab a mint on their way out, you have :urine mints. eeeeeew

TommyMac71 said...

They might as well pee in the mints. Then everything's in the open, the mints get less chalky and (probably) better tasting!

Anonymous said...

Tom: Milk Duds are chocolate-covered chewy caramel; not chalky at all. Check your facts, journalist!

Anonymous said...

Right. Milk Duds are caramel inside, Malt Balls are "chalky". So much for smarty pants reporter.

TommyMac71 said...

Anonymous:

Thank you for reading the blog and going the extra mile to research. Part of the appeal of this blog, and of me as you surely know, is that I like to spout off about things of which I know very little.

I'm irresponsibly charming like that.

I do not believe i promote this blog as a journalistic effort. Just sayin'

Have a great (and highly secretively anonymous) day!

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