Saturday, September 20, 2008

Ad-visor-y Opinion: Just Wear a Hat


I've kept my eye on coverage of the Ryder Cup over the last two days. Okay, I've watched every minute and I can't honestly remember if I've showered yet. So I've had plenty of time to ponder the meaning of this exciting global rivalry.

But instead I've become annoyed. It's reminded me of everything that's wrong with sports. No, not Sergio Garcia's "I've never won a major in my life but you'd never tell by my smugness" sneer. No, not the petty "Your fans cheer too loudly when I'm trying to concentrate" debate. And, no, not even Phil Mickelson's man-boobs.

I'm talking the tennis visor.

There is nothing more disappointing than a grown man wearing a tennis visor. Simply stated, you can't trust a man who wears a tennis visor. It's a bad choice and inspires no confidence at all. For the record, there are two occasions in which you could wear a tennis visor:

1. You're actually playing tennis.
2. You have a vagina.

Instead, tennis visors are worn by fraternity dudes who also choose "I'm with stupid" t-shirts while they demonstrate their prowess in non-tennis competitions such as BeerPong or preying on otherwise bright co-eds who won't figure out that visor boy is a douche until about 5 years after graduation. Oh, and European golfers.

Case in point. See this picture of European golfer Justin Rose. Nice, innocent boy. It's not his fault he looks like Frodo, but seems like a decent guy, right? Totally someone you can root for, if you were an anti-American socialist of course. But a nice kid, for sure.

Now compare that with the below photo, with fellow European Ian Poulter, which I believe is Scandanavian for "evil visor-wearing pissant."

I can hear Stenson now, like the devil on our innocent Rose's shoulder...."Dude, now that you got the visor you need to get cool sunglasses, mess up your hair and you too can look like Sean Penn. That guy's bad ass. Hey, wanna play beer pong later and steal nice American girls with our visors and general European-ness?"

Rose even looks uncomfortable in his visor. Poor Frodo. I hope he can defect to the United States and be fitted with a nice baseball hat, like a real man.

Of course if he became an American, he might gouge himself on chicken wings and Big Macs. Instead of looking like a hobbit, he may then grow Mickelson breasts or, even worse, begin to resemble Tom Bosley. Then his choice of headgear would be the least of his worries.

18 comments:

J. said...

Tiger would NEVER wear a visor. Nor would Colin Montgomerie (though he might wear a kilt). I think the whole visor thing is part and parcel of being a metrosexual and not wanting all that product you just put in your hair to get mucked up. Real men/golfers don't care.

Chat Blanc said...

Dude!! I have a vagina and I still don't think it's okay for me to wear a visor. So I'm with ya on this issue--GUYS WEAR A HAT!

Sean and Jami said...

Funny, funny shit. I think you can add a priviso to the visor wearing: you have to be in South Western CT... possibly that you had to attend Yale...

TommyMac71 said...

Thanks Sean and/or Jami.... actually the SW Connecticut thing will be reserved for my "don't you hate people who wear clothes with whales and anchors on them??" column...

Heather said...

I don't hate people who wear whales, but visors do concern me. We have more "won" visors in my house than we know what to do with.

Witty, witty, witty, I love it!

Patricia said...

Chat blanc is right: A vagina is no excuse. The golf girls who wear visors are frequently mean. I don't know why, but it's a fact.

Also I hate uber American Fred Couples exclusively because of visor abuse.

But that's just me.

Suzy said...

Visors are for people who want that all-over tan. Arms, shoulders, scalp.

Pirate Jen said...

So, being uncoordinated I held the scroll button down too long, and saw Tom Bosley's photo before I read the log. Reaction: What's the actor that would play Hippy in the movie have to do with Funyons? And what the heck ARE Funyons? By the end of the blog, both mysteries were solved.
The photo of the 2 golfers with visors-are those like crossover visors? They're as high in the front as a baseball cap - just tapas, err, I mean topless! Love to see Tommy back,sharing his wit.

Jenn Thorson said...

There is actually ONE thing more depressing than a man wearing a tennis visor. A man wearing that tennis visor....

upside down.

I kid you not. I've seen this. It was a brief fleeting trend with college students, and yet a couple of weeks ago a saw a young guy... VISOR UPSIDE DOWN.

If it rains, that's all funneling down his forehead.

mf said...

Hey Dude - Don't you think owning a cat is feminine enough? Guess not, you had to let out your suppressed homosexual feelings on the visor issue. If I had to guess, I'd say you might also have some deep seated issues regarding your hair loss. But I'm just guessing.

Cee Bee said...

Wow! Such passionate HATE toward visors. I think MF is right... this clearly touches on something homosexual for you. What gives??

TommyMac71 said...

MF.....I never felt this way until I met cee bee's friend Albert.... and I'm jealous not that I'm losing hair (I'm not) but that I can't lose it all like Albert....he's dreamy.....

I'll ignore the cat comment, and assume you are just touchy about your visor....

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