Friday, September 26, 2008

A Ballsy Rant: Lance, Please Go Away

I hate Lance Armstrong. I wish he would go away. But like warts, mosquitoes and Celine Dion, he keeps coming back.

I realize he is one of our "untouchable" Americans immune from criticism just like Oprah, Mister Rodgers, and that guy who played Corky.

However......The guy is a kind of a jerk. He gets a free ride because he's a national "hero." And he's come out of retirement to race again....Oooh count the goose bumps!

First I will acknowledge the good things: amazing athlete, ridiculously motivated and driven, inspirational, has done amazing charity work and he's better at public relations than I am, and that's what I get paid to do.

But let's stop viewing the situation through a cheap yellow plastic lens for a second. He is a bicycle racing star. This is a sport that is huge in France. France! Enough said. He put bike racing on the map you say? Who won this year's Tour de France? Name one other major bike race.

See what I mean?

I don't even care if he cheated, took drugs, or infused his body with the blood of an African cheetah to pedal faster. He did have an advantage that nobody ever mentions because ....shhhhhh! ... it's a sensitive subject. Folks, the man has one testicle.

Okay you think I'm evil. But ask any man what it's like to ride a bike any distance with two testicles. The boys are singing before the first mile marker. Lots of bumps, jostling, shifting. And, oh God, the friction. It's not fun. I know, it's nothing like childbirth. But I don't think any woman could experience any similar exterior discomfort comparable to Man Zone Mangling. Maybe fire. Maybe.

Think about this:
Normal Lance Armstrong - No Tour de France wins.
Unitesticular Lance Armstrong - Seven Tour de France titles. In SEVEN tries.

He's never won with a pair. The uniball is 7-for-7. Surely this is not a coincidence. Guys, back me up here?

Do you think we'd care about some silly race in France if Lance still had two dice? If he was just another normal, healthy and nameless athlete who likes to ride his bike really really far?

Okay, so you think I'm going to hell (just WAIT til I call out Corky!!). There are other reasons not to like King Lance.

He did leave his wife and family after they were unconditionally by his side during his battle with cancer and his ridiculously time consuming training. Did I mention he left to get into Sheryl Crow's bicycle pants? I am in NO WAY criticizing Sheryl Crow. In fact, if you're reading this Sheryl, call me hon, ok??

So Sheryl Crow gets cancer. What's Prince Lance's reaction? He hits the road, prolly on a vehicle with spokes. Hooks up with an Olsen twin. I don't care which one. I suspect he didn't either. Maybe he was with both of them. Two girls, one teste? Good ratio! I am in NO WAY criticizing the Olsen twins. In fact, girls, if you're reading this, call me, ok??

He's the best at his sport. But nobody in that sport can stand him. His is widely expected of cheating and done everything short of renting one of those planes with a banner trailing behind it to declare he is perfectly clean. He's mistreated the women in his life for his own selfish gain.

Gee, kinda sounds like Barry Bonds.

Maybe Barry shoulda lopped off a pinky, nailed Beyonce, and made jewelry from recylced syringes to battle illegal drug use...then he too could have been on SNL and the national pedestal.

Please, Barry, don't you be inspired by Lance Armstrong. We need only one hero/jerk right now.

12 comments:

Irene said...

Settle down there sparky. Frankly he is from Texas and that was enough to put me off him, however, he was not in fact married at the time he went through his cancer treatments. Check the facts.

PlayFromTheTips said...

Wow - for once I actually disagree with you.

I have two testicles (I know because I play with both of them) and I rode 50 miles on a bicycle this Wedensday without either chafing or breaking a sweat. I know that Carlos Sastre won the tour this year because it was actually interesting for once. There are many other bike races I know of, and a few that deserve to be better televised. I don't like the French attitude, but I have nothing against French people.

Lance is looking out for #1 while helping others, which is more that we can say about many of the real crooks in this world (read: Wall Street.) I can't comment on the "unconditional" love of his family during his battle with the big C, but privately they may have been a big pain in the ass. Hell - being so close to death can change a man.

Do you also think Kruk is a better analyst since he lost one of his boys?

Any time an athlete steps up and comes out of retirement, there is the potential for disappointment. But, plenty of revenue is generated in the short-term, which is never a bad thing. Let him come back quietly and see if he makes some real noise before you throw him under the bus. Maybe he'll get into a bad crash and lost the other teste...

Athena said...

Hola. Fellow lance hater here. I don't care if he is a national "hero", the man is a skeeze. And whats with the Texas comment Irene? Don't hate!

Susan said...

Married to an avid biker who has two balls. (playfromthetips, i know because I play with both of them). Lance, unfortunately, is probably a cheater and should stay retired. I don't give a rip about his personal life - it's none of my business. But THAT was a funny-as-shit post!

J. said...

You're just jealous of Lance.

But you do make a good point: We need to stop confusing a person's accomplishments with who he is.

Btw, until his recent remarks re Barack Obama and McCain and Palin, I would have welcomed back uber sleazeball Bill Clinton as president in a SECOND.

Andrew Scott Turner said...

Wow there's so much fun you could have with this one...

Like, do you think he ever slipped up and referred to Cheryl as "The old ball and chain"?

Or, how about, "Lance was just plain nuts for leaving Cheryl"

We could play with the headlines, too, with "Armstrong Sacks Crow"

Or, "Armstrong Bids For Racing Comeback, Ball's in Tour Court"

Or, we could go for the double-entendre, with "Armstrong Denies Doping, Still Refuses to Eat Crow."

And for those of you who took offense to this blog:

Don't be so goddamn testy

Irene said...

Sorry Athena.
Despite the fact that I had the best damn margaritas of my life in Texas and I have several delightful friends from the lone star state I am still harboring a grudge over the W. factor. I am just not over it yet.

adriene said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
adriene said...

actually, your article about lance is not true. He was with another woman (girlfriend) when he was diagnosed with cancer, and she walked him through it, albeit not very well. They broke up shortly thereafter. He met his wife, Christie, at a fundraiser AFTER he finished his chemo and surgeries. He did, however, woo her while he was in the midst of training and getting his mojo back on.

Also the bit about Cheryl and dumping her when she found out about her BC is also not true. They broke up two weeks before she was diagnosed. He had no idea. When the news came out of her BC diagnosis he tried to be at her side but she wouldn't let him cause he's a big HO and was fucking other women on her (i think that's called CHEATING). So she dumped his ass and then found out about her diagnosis.

But really, does a leopard ever loose its spots? Once a cheater, always a cheater!!! He's just a dog, and has cheated on all of his women.

As a breast cancer survivor myself I honor what Lance has done to bring cancer research to the forefront through his celebrity. Good for him. But as a human he fails and gets a big fat "F" in my grade book.

love, softservegirl

BigMaryCool said...

LMAO!!! Uniball!!!!

Irene and Adriane, relax, this is a blog, not World News Tonight, Facts, Shmacks!

janesaintclaire said...

No, you absolutely SHOULD criticize Lance Armstrong. In fact, it is OK to criticize Corky - hell, I do a spot on version of that episode where his fellow Downs wife says "Corky come to bed, it's our wedding night" I'm going to hell, too. But you know what I know? Lance Armstrong will be there with me for all the reasons you've mentioned.

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