Edgy observations by someone who clearly needs to vent.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
A New Year, a New Start
I've only made good on one New Year's resolution in my life: To stop making empty promises to myself every year. Only setting myself up for disappointment, right?
Besides, I've found it's much more fun to make resolutions for other people. So here are the first annual Tommy Mac New Years Resolutions:
Barack Obama: To resist the temptation to show off the pecs and abs by always wearing a shirt at press conferences. (Topless press conferences? What if Wolf Blitzer misinterprets that phrase? Talk about a wardrobe malfunction.
Rod Blagojevich: To sell a vowel. To the highest bidder. Or maybe a consonant. You know, the letter J is 8 points in Scrabble? Supply and demand baby!
Sarah Palin: To increase her foreign policy experience. She will be adding an additional floor to her house so she can see Canada from her rooftop. And maybe meet Santa that way too. Russia, check. Canada, check. North Pole, check.
Dick Cheney: To keep his enemies closer. Maureen Dowd, PLEASE decline his hunting invite.
George W. Bush: To find bin Laden -- in less than 3 weeks!
Joe Biden: To return to obscurity.
Joe Lieberman: To firmly commit to the principals of one major political party. Maybe the Whigs this time.
Caroline Kennedy: You know, to stay true to the, you know, political legacy of, you know, the Kennedy name, you know.
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie: To limit adoption to only two children in calendar 2009
Nicole Kidman: To finally use that tanning bed that Tom bought her all those years ago.
Katie Couric: To return to a job that takes advantage of disingenuousness and sugary sweet tones. If only that damned Yolanda Vega would just disappear!
Bill O'Reilly: To find even more creative ways to tell people it's okay to hate Obama without using the n-word.
George W. Bush (that's right, you can't get rid of him that easy): To make even more money by cashing in on a "Hit the Moron With and Old Pair of Shoes" carnival game. But only in blue states.
Michael Bloomberg: To write his long-awaited memoir: "How to Get Sh-t Done Despite Being a Nasally Whining Vertically Challenged Bostonian."
Hank and Hal Steinbrenner: To spur the economy by burning $1,000 bills rather than measley 100-spots.
The Mets, the Jets, and Iona College basketball teams: To find new and creative ways to build up the hope of one loyal blogger and then crush his heart in even smaller pieces than the previous year.
Eliot Spitzer: To exhaust any remaining influence to secure the number 9 on his prison garb.
So let's hope our famous friends can do what's necessary to stick to their 2009 resoultions, Tommy Mac style.
Happy New Year to all and if you have suggested resolutions, leave them in a comment.
I prefer to think of myself as a great thinker, a brilliant mind of my generation, but as soon as you type your thoughts, they label you a "writer," so OK I'm a writer!
When I do write, I have:
* Been a weekly humor columnist for The (Stamford) Advocate and Greenwich Time
* Had my weekly columns on the L.A. Times Syndicate
* Been a regular contributor to the Palm Beach Post
* Had freelance and Op-Ed columns published in The Daily News, The Philadelphia Inquirer, The Baltimore Sun, Newsday, L.A. Times, The Detroit News and probably your grandmother's beloved weekly newspaper
* Was weekly columnist for Tout Wars (experts fantasy baseball league)
* Contributed to ESPN The Magazine (My byline was not TOM The Writer)