Saturday, December 20, 2008

Simply Having a Terrible Christmas Headache

I have this theory -- You can boil everyone's life down to one telling fact. If that's the only thing you know about them you essentially get their "essence."

I also think you can undo all the work of your life with one fateful action.

As proof, I give you "Wonderful Christmastime," that nauseating Paul McCartney carol. And by carol I mean piece of holiday dung. Call it egg log.

I ALMOST made it through the holiday season without being subjected to that ear poison. Then on a snowy Friday afternoon in Bradford's (yes a bar, not a department store) in downtown Stamford this week, I threw up in my mouth a little.

Barkeep, can I have a root canal? Or a gun?

Let's break this down.

Here's how the song opens...

Ding, dong, ding, dong 
Ding, dong, ding, dong

The mood is right
The spirits up
Were here tonight
And that's enough
Simply having a wonderful Christmas time
Simply having a wonderful Christmas time

This sh-t makes James Taylor sick. Paul McCartney wrote f---ing "Hey Jude" for cryingoutloudgodsakesareyoukiddingme???

I mean, just cover an existing carol and "make it your own." Springsteen did "Santa Claus is Comin' to Town" and people eat that up. He actually had some fun with it. You can hear him laughing in the song.

Nobody in his posse could say "Uh, Paul. You f---ing wrote 'Hey Jude'
cryingoutloudgodsakesareyoukiddingme! Maybe we do Frosty the Snowman. Frosty could be code for blow or some other drug, like we used to do? Remember Lucy?"

I think he's just angry. Not about being less talented than Lennon. But because - as Craig Ferguson likes to point out -- that he has finally become Angela Lansbury.


I admit, I'm not the biggest Christmas guy going. I've been called a Scrooge on more than one occasion. It's a wonderful time of year, but overly schmaltzy carols and movies (see "Life, It's a Wonderful") make me crazy. Why can't we be as focused on how good life really is from January through Thanksgiving instead of the opposite?

Gifts. Crowds. Traffic. Bad Weather. Intricate family planning. Weight gains. Even a harbinger of our nation's - and global -- economy. That's a lot of stuff.

We don't need "A Wonderful Christmas Time" to add to our holiday woes. I'm hoping Obama can ban it. He certainly should pardon Paul McCartney for making our world a crappier place for writing it.

Everyone -- sincerely -- do please have a great holiday season. Be safe, be happy, be loved and give love. As my good friend Kelley Taylor says "Make Every Day a Holiday."

Peace out

T


8 comments:

Kelly said...

That is without a doubt my most hated Christmas song. Back in the day when I worked at Starbucks you were required to play Starbucks music. Throughout the year there were a myriad of tapes, but at Christmas there was only one.

You see where this is going right?

Yes, Sir Paul was on it. No matter where I was, or how busy it was, my ears would pick up on that song. To this day my spine still gets a weird shiver when I hear it. I was so close to not hearing it this year, too. That is until last night in Wal-Mart.

Oh well, there's always next year. Maybe that will be the first year I won't hear it.

J. said...

That blog post required an "Ear Worm Alert." Thanks to you, I will now be simply having a wonderful Christmas time whether I want to or not. Ear Worm Radio: All Annoying, All the Time. And btw, what was so effing great about "Hey Jude"? Oh and one other word: Wings. I rest my case. (Though, okay, I did/do like "Live and Let Die" and was okay with "Band on the Run" for a while.) Make that two things: "Ebony and Ivory." I mean, come on!

O/T: Happy birthday, Tommy. You know I'll be rooting for our Jets this afternoon.

Sean and Jami said...

Paul McCartney is a lyin' cheatin' theavin' weasel. But you, kind sir, are definitely a Scrooge.
There's a reason schmaltz works during Christmas (not all, but I'll get to that). It's because, as Bill Murry said "It's the one time of year that you are the person that you always hoped to be."

If we didn't have the annual reminder of how to treat people and loved ones and an annual message of peace on earth, just think how much worse the other 11 months would be.

Now you want a crappy Christmas song? Two words: CHRISTMAS SHOES. Holy crap this song makes me defecate painful pointy holly leaves.

Happy B-day "T"
(ya know, you're not as ghetto as you think you are)

SPMI

BigMaryCool said...

OMG, Christmas Shoes!!! Heard that song EVERY night last year (baby was sleeping in our room, we always went to sleep with Delilah, the mellow DJ who had all sorts of people calling in (Like that bit in Sleepless In Seatttle, and damn it that song was ALWAYS on, and I ALWAYS was bawling (hormones???) when I heard: "in case Momma meets Jesus tonight" AUGGH!!! Fortunately, have not heard it once this year!

And stop picking on Paul. He's so misunderstood.

Heather said...

I'm not sure if my current nausea is a sign of the Christmas flu coming on, or just a natural reaction to these songs. I will add John Denver's "Alfie: The Christmas Tree" to the list. Don't ask how I heard it, I just hope the rest of you are spared.

I unfortunately have heard tons of "Simply" & "Shoes" this year.

Anonymous said...

It's interesting to see just how permeant digital memory has become in our everyday lives. It seems like everywhere I turn, I see something with a card slot or USB jack, lol. I guess it makes sense though, considering how cheap memory has become as of late...

Gahhhhh... I shouldn't be moaning and groaning. I can't make it through a day without my R4 / R4i!

(Submitted by FFBrows for R4i Nintendo DS.)

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